#1 – To relieve your angst, you need to do a deep dive into the top 3 intolerable problems in your marriage.
These problems might include your spouse habitually having sex with other people, being extremely irresponsible with money, failing repeatedly at drug rehab, or having an incurable personality disorder. Once you have your list, you then need to determine whether your marriage can withstand those problems. In other words, are you able to accept the situation and change yourself to accommodate that reality? As you know, you cannot change the other person. You have already tried that.
Sometimes, the problems you perceive as “intolerable” really aren’t that bad … compared to starting over. If your spouse is not ambitious, but is a great parent, maybe let it go. If your spouse only helps a little bit around the house, maybe some help is better than no help (which is what you will get if you divorce). If you used to chat into the night while looking into each other’s eyes, and now you only talk about your work and your kids, that is often a fixable problem and not the end of the world.
If your marital problems are intolerable and unfixable, you should consider divorce. Sooner is usually better than later. Intolerable and unfixable problems only get worse with time. If your problems are intolerable but fixable – and you and your spouse love each other and are willing to work on your problems – do not get a divorce until you have tried everything to save your marriage.